Forgiveness

It was New Year’s Eve.   There was a fire in the fireplace, lighted candles were on the dining room table casting a soft glow over our lovely dinner and crystal champagne glasses ready for ‘toasting’.   images of Time Square were on TV.   Ulf asked, “What is the fuss on TV about?”   I said, “It’s a new year.”  He looked at me with a puzzled look and asked,  “What does that mean?”  I realized this person, who is outside of time, may need some education.  I got out the calendar and set out to explain how time progressed from one year to the next.  He wasn’t impressed and ask me to sit down.  He then took my hand, looked deep into my eyes and said, “My sitting here with you, holding your hand, is the only time there is.”

It’s difficult for me to balance being in a timeless zone and having to schedule appointments and know when to put out the garbage.  When I am sharing Ulf’s ‘timeless’ space, he feels safe and happy.  Those times when I am on the phone with a friend or have a friend over for lunch and he hears the chattering,  it’s as if the energy field has shifted for him. He feels excluded and sometimes acts out to get attention. He’s responding to feeling separate, which of course is the battle cry of the ego.  Sound familiar?  We all probably have our defenses against exclusion, but are more skillful at suppressing it.  It’s the same if he listens to the ‘news’ or any programs showing violence on TV, which really reduces our options!  The energy visibly affects and upsets him, even though he cannot comprehend what they are saying.  Maybe whenever we  leave the ‘present moment’ and return to ‘time’,  Ulf senses that difference.  When we are sharing ‘in the moment’, he is centered and alert.

For instance, several days ago, I went to my friend, Shelley’s office to have a therapeutic massage for my knee.  Ulf had to stay in the waiting room.  Twice during our session, she had to leave and bring him back after he walked outside.  Later, at home, I said “Your unwillingness to stay in the waiting room, interrupted our session and that was not fair to me”.  I began crying.  It seemed all the times I didn’t feel supported or did not have my needs met by Ulf,  began to surface.  Not in specifics, but general feelings where those spaces of lack, which probably exist in every relationship, came to my awareness.  He asked if my sadness had to do with what he did that day.  I said, “No, it’s about the past.”  Ulf immediately began to respond in a loving and caring way.  He said, “Those feelings have been there a long time and are way down. First let them be there, then release them.  If you have a part of your ego that is there, clean out the feeling and let it go. There is something that brings out egoic elements when we are unhappy that happens all over the world.”  Needless to say, his very insightful, supportive, compassionate tone got my attention and stopped the tears.  There was a long silence.  Then he said, “Look at the fire in the fireplace and see how it burns things up.  Think of your feelings and just let them burn up  in the fire.” He paused and said,  ” I don’t know how, but that thought just came to my mind”.

The word, ‘forgiveness’ came to my mind.  Through Ulf’s gentle guidance, I did feel a lifting of heaviness from my heart that I didn’t even know existed.  I was harboring guilt toward Ulf for this ‘lack’ in me.  At that moment, it became clear that I needed to forgive Ulf for my projection onto and misperception of him.  A Course in Miracle says, “Forgiveness is the Key to Happiness”. “Practice forgiveness toward one you think of as an enemy (someone who irritates you), and one whom you consider a friend by learning to see them both as one.”   So we are invited to merge the light we  see in these two projections.  In the shared light that is reflected back to us, we become one.

Ulf seems to embody these dualities for me at this time.  His lesson is my lesson.  Forgiveness is our key.  Perhaps by seeing the wholeness and light reflected in him, I free myself.  So I ask, which one of us is ‘demented’ ?

Copyright 2010 Beverly Hamilton

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Tags: Adult Senility, Being in the present moment, Forgiveness