A Year in Spirit

April 27, 2011

Today is  Ulf’s 1st anniversary.  Last year, on his birthday,  he took his final exit from this stage.  A brief hospital stay and infection preceded his premature exit but the timing was right for him since he had reached the point of needing more focused caregiving.  He expressly did not want to go down that road, so in this instance, I think Ulf was very much in charge of his decision to not linger.

After this day last year, I wrote about the mystery of where Ulf was and what was he experiencing.  We had shared so much that it was frustrating not to, in some way, share this experience with him.  Since I currently inhabit a three dimensional world of separate objects, it presented a challenge.  So I looked for signs that he was indeed able to communicate in some form, such as the photo of a full moon shaped like a heart.  There were other instances that I wrote about that were gentle, sweet and surprising.  Of course, I have no idea if my interpretation is correct but as long as it brings a smile and a feeling of a loving connection, it needs no explanation.  To me, it’s just another way of continuing to share our present moment where there is no separation.  Each instance is like receiving the gift of a lovely rose.

Our culture has defined death in a variety of ways, usually somber.  Ulf and I have been on a spiritual  journey for many years.  He joined my openness to life and it’s probabilities.  Because he had a more formal and structured upbringing,  I guess he was ready to open a few of his own doors. So whenever discussions like ‘death’ arose, we saw it as just another adventure into the unknown and not as a scary movie. We viewed our bodies as a limited vessel of a larger energy to which we are connected. The concept of the ‘greater energy’, however it’s framed, is open to our imagination.   The more startling revelations are well chronicled.  I prefer the less dramatic form of just being present.

The year I chronicled in the blog spoke to Ulf’s growing awareness of this larger energy he often called God, even though he was puzzled about something he couldn’t see.   So when the time came for him to exit one of his open doors, I’m certain there was no fear in him.  The last day he was at home, he kept saying, “I have to go home” and even started walking up the sidewalk before I caught him.  It’s as if his body could no longer contain this energy flowing through him that he was compelled to cheerfully share with others.  He was like a raindrop yearning to return to the ocean.

My experience of traveling the long, curvy, unmarked road to dementia with Ulf reinforced for me the idea that planning and good intentions don’t create the future we think we want.   Eckhart Tolle’s books about being in the present moment, The Sedona Method and years of study of A Course in Miracles that teaches us there is another way of being in the world, were valuable road maps that helped shift our perception of our experience.

The last several weeks, I have revisited our journey’s beginning to now, often with tears.  Our story began after Ulf was tested and found to have neurological deficits and an MRI revealed multiple small strokes.  None of these indicators manifested physically.  Ulf was trim and in good condition.  About 4 months later, while doing a computer search,  I discovered a condition called Obstructive Sleep Apnea.   I immediately called the Arizona University to inquire if they had a sleep lab.  They not only had a lab, but had begun a study with Stanford University on sleep apnea and diminished neurological capacity.  After I described Ulf’s symptoms, they immediately wanted to test him for their study.  The test results confirmed that Ulf definitely had  sleep apnea, which meant for years he had reduced oxygen to his brain every night.  If sharing Ulf’s experience could help even one person, he would say, “Mission Accomplished!”

Ulf had so successfully compensated for his loss of cognitive abilities that no one, not even doctors, picked up on these considerable changes in his brain. The misguided belief that OSA is the result of being overweight is shortsighted. Even children can have this condition. Upon receiving treatment, Ulf’s condition stabilized for several years but the damage had been done, so he gradually began to decline.  Even now, the medical profession has not made the connection between dementia and sleep apnea since there has only been 10 years of research.  The research connecting OSA with a heart condition began as early as the 60′s. Upon diagnosis, the heart is immediately examined but not the brain!  Given the rise in dementia diagnosis, you’d think it would be more on the medical radar screen….easy treatment, no pills.  Hey, maybe that’s why!  No pills to sell!

While time was gradually becoming irrelevant to Ulf,  I was  running to catch up. By realizing we access that greater energy right here, now, I discovered there was no place to go.  As Ulf settled more into his present moment, I joined him there.  I shared these precious moments in this blog during Ulf’s last year.  It was often a creative venture for both of us that was captured in a gentle light.  Life is never what we expect but we can choose to bring laughter and lightness of being to any situation.   Ulf has been an incredible teacher and is still teaching me:  Lessons in Love from Spirit.

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Tags: A Course in Miracles, Adult Senility, Being in the present moment, Dementia, Eckhart Tolle, Sedona Method, Sleep Apnea